Disclosures

It's natural to be concerned about telling a new sexual partner that you have genital herpes. Fear of being rejected and perhaps being uncomfortable about sexual health concerns makes it a tricky subject to bring up. However, it is more likely that they will respect your openness and honesty and it will be an opportunity to take your relationship to a deeper level of trust and understanding.

There are no black and white rules for telling your sexual partner/s you have herpes, and everyone needs to make their own decisions depending on the situaiton. But the fact is, more people are accepted by new partners than rejected for having genital herpes.

Many people do not feel comfortable talking about sexuality and sexual health issues. The following will help you explore ways of feeling more confident in discussing herpes in the context of a sexual relationship.

Cold sores on the face and genital herpes are medically the same condition. The significant difference arises from the stigma that tends to accompany an infection that is associated with being sexually transmitted.

Most people find that their sexual partners are both supportive and understanding. It is a common assumption to initially think that a person may base their judgement of you on the fact you have genital herpes. However, for most this is a minor skin infection. People fear the possibility of rejection but in reality this rarely happens.

Because fear of rejection is a concern, it leads some to question why they should risk talking about herpes. Accordingly, some people choose not to tell their sexual partners. Instead htey abstain during outbreaks, practice safe sex at other times, and hope for the best. 

This strategy may have more disadvantages than advantages. First of all, you spend a lot of time and energy worrying that your partner is going to get herpes. It's much harder to tell someone if they just found out they're infected. For most people, the anxiety over not telling is worse than the telling itself. 

On the other hand, telling your partner and allowing them to enter into the relationship with full knowledge of your infection, will provide an opportunity for them to learn about genital herpes. This is because, when you have an outbreak, you can discuss it with a partner instead of making excuses for why you can't have sex. Excuses create distance between partners and often lead to misunderstanding and guesswork. 

Your partner might interpret your excuses in ways more detrimental to the relationship than an honest conversation about genital herpes would be. 

If you are able to discuss the situation openly and honestly, you can investigate ways to be 'safely' sexually intimate. And remember, your partner may already have one or both strains of HSV; just because they have never had symptoms doesn't mean they don't have it.

Genital herpes is extremely common, with up to one in three adults who are sexually active having genital herpes, although many remain unaware that they are infected.

Inaccurate and stigmatising articles and advertising have contributed to many of us having negative herpes-related beliefs that make it difficult to convince ourselves that others would want to be with us. It's important to recognise these beliefs and consciously change them. Accepting the fact that you have herpes and are still the same person you were before will make it easier to have a fulfilling relationship. 

Advice for disclosing

• Be as informed as you can about genital herpes
• You may want to rehearse what you say with a trusted friend or health professional first 
• Don't try and have this conversation when you are about to have sex
• Choose a place and time when you know there will be no intrerruptions and when you're feeling calm and relaxed

For more ideas and conversation starters, visit the Relationships page.